"how consistent
how can someone so consistently mess up as much as
every instance
how can someone inconsistent mess up so consistently"
one love.
my name is alecia and
i like...
MODEST MOUSE
traveling
alcohol and its consumption
city walks
crooked tail & the orange
reefer
mind expansion
dive bars
my family
maps & the world
substance(s)
lincoln & the civil war
i don't like...
bad grammar/spelling
wood paneled cars
pigs
scottsdale
complaining/whining
religion
"the man"
"i have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow i am still in love with life. this ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our most melancholy propensities; for is there anything more stupid than to be eager to go carrying a burden which one would gladly throw away , to loath one's very being and yet to hold it fast, to fondle the snake that devours us until it has eaten our hearts away?"
I've resigned to myself that it is about time to give up smoking.
Sigh.
I've got about 4 1/2 months till the marathon and my shin splint has finally healed, so I can restart my run run running.
And I've been stoned/chainsmoking WAY too much lately.
I just have accountability issues. If I am held accountable then I can behave, but if I'm not...well...I will go apeshit.
So I'll make attempts to hold myself accountable here, even though this is my silly narcissistic outlet and is still basically still just me.
I think it's a good day to feel like this though. It isn't a negative event that prompted it, but rather I got so stoned last night that I feel like I will most likely not surpass that level anytime soon...attmpeting to do so would result in disappointment.
So now I can discontinue my junkie strategy of saying, "just one last time, ya know, like, for memories and shit" when most every experience is similar enough to be interchangable and the "last time hurrah" is never a hurrah and never a last time.
THIS time, however, last night was a hurrah of being stoned. So I can look forward and continually remind myself that running 26 miles is going to be really fucking hard but I'm going to feel like such a badass that I'd give up more than smoking if it were required of me.
"I got addicted. News, particularly daily news, is more addictive than crack cocaine, more addictive than heroin, more addictive than cigarettes." -Dan Rather
News isn't quite as expensive as cocaine though, so I think it has a distinct advantage.
I called in sick to work today because I was feeling the whole weak/hungover/shakey/lack-of-dopamine thing for the first 2/3 of the day. I tell you I have no self control.
If I had gone I would just now be getting off. That just sounds so incredibly miserable. I would be 60 dollars richer or so, but....well....fuck it.
I have the rest of my life to make money. But only today to wallow in my overall shitty brain chemistry!
When I am drunk I tend to do weird things. Like take pictures of myself in bathrooms.
W-T-F? Tonight I am going to a birthday party. I really want to make it home. We'll put our best foot forward.
I probably would have written something amazing and poetic and inspiring last night (as per usual) but after coming home from hanging with Trevor and Jack and being exhausted and hungover from 80's party the night before and being screamed at by my dad for twenty minutes I kinda didn't feel like writing (or being anywhere near my parents house which I was using as escape from my apartment) so I walked back over to Trevors and slept on his couch.
It wouldn't be bad if I'd actually deserved anything he yelled at me about or if he'd actually made a sincere attempt at apologizing but neither happened so when I got home this morning and found a note that said
"Sorry, I had a bad day and kinda took it out on you a little bit."
it kind-of/a-little-bit didn't cut it.
And what makes it worse is that I've never really felt like my dad knew me/I knew my dad until the last couple months and now I don't even care. I'd worked really hard to try and have a better relationship but now, well, fuck it.
I spit on his note and threw it away.
It doesn't really bother me if he knows me, not if he's going to turn me into a whipping boy for his own problems everytime he has a fucking bad day. So yeah. Fuck that. At least he's out of town for a week, but after that I'll just be forced to return to living at my shitty apartment till August 1.
MYYY BFF has a first name.... It's T-R-E-V-O-R MYYY BFF has a last name... It's T-H-O-N
I love to hang out wit him errryday, And talk in shitty internet lingo errryway. He drinks more than I, And still can stand, He'd carry me home If he'd remember the land. I'm still drunk, And can't write prose BFF's coming to get high, G0TT@ F1nD cL0THe$!!
As a preface to this tale...I don't like boys. I hardly like girls.
I don't really like most people all the time, to be honest.
Most everyone always just seems fake and superficial to me. Nothing really compels me to stay where I am currently...except for a random boy I can't really know/and or reference.
I gotta be me, though All relationships seem like too much work besides the one i invision in my brain........ i'm hopeless. at least i'll meet cool people, however.
It's weird, because the last week I actually opened my blog up to my "myspace" and "facebook" and my aim profile and it's weird, because now everyone I encounter could read it, but I feel better than ever about the whole thing. I justt don't have anything to hide. Questions? ahhhhhhhhhhh
I think astrology is total bullshit, I do, but I found this amusing...
Suncorp Metway, Ltd., an Australian Financial Service, ranked car accident claimants by astrological sign in a study of 160,000 accident claims over the previous 3 year period. This is what they found.
No. 1 Worst: Gemini The number one worst drivers were geminis, "typically described as restless, easily bored and frustrated by things moving slowly," explained Warren Duke, Suncorp's national manager of personal insurance. "They had more car accidents than any other sign."
No. 2 Worst: Taurus (This is me...hahahahahahaha....woops.) Taureans are the most self-absorbed of all the signs. At a very fundamental level, the world outside the chassis of their car may not exist at all. Since freeway driving requires spatial perception, this is counter to their natural way of processing the world around them.
No. 3 Worst: Pisces Pisceans are the gentle dreamers of the zodiac. They may spend many hours a day in fantasy worlds escaping the painful realities of life. This detachment leads to risk-taking, daredevil behavior
Middle signs 4th Worst: Virgo 5th Worst: Cancer 6th Worst: Aquarius 7th Worst: Aries 8th Worst: Leo 9th Worst: Libra
Third Best: Sagittarius The highly developed sense of flow and good timing characteristic of Sagittarians is what makes them the lucky sign. Furthermore, their minds are right at home dealing with traffic patterns, flow and spatial relations.
Second Best: Scorpio Scorpios are sensitive to energy -- whether it is a foot away or thousands of miles away -- and can feel someone "coming up from behind" at many different levels.
Best Driver: Capricorn It's no suprise Caps are the safest behind the wheel. They're the safest at everything. Their patience and sense of responsibility are legendary.
and police and thieves, I don't even know what "efx" is.
It's just adderall (ADD medecine)
and by the way, snorting it is the WORST idea I've ever had. ...Right behind chugging cough syrup to get high. ....And eating a third of a pan of weed brownies. ......and....well....I'll stop. It was a dumb idea. It made my snot bright blue for like three days and made my pupils become the size of the colored part of my eye. I had to lay on my bed with my eyes closed and a pillow over my head (it was night) and it felt like I was staring at the sun.
BUT as bad ideas go... At least I did it gangsta stylezz with a $100. Yeah?
I woke up this morning pseudo delirious and feeling that
"where the fuck am i?"
feeling that happens when you sleep somewhere unusual. Not that my parents couch is unusual as I've been there the last couple weeks, but it's not routine enough for these mornings to not occassionally happen.
It's going to be so nice to have the house so I'll actually look forward to going home! That's how the condo was. Errybody will know my name.
I'm so fucked up that I'm keeping that picture on top for the time being. My paints never cease to amuse me! Sometime I'll post the road, which is my finest work. It is also kind of fucked up. Coming soon to a theatre near you. Monkey.
Besides my disagreements with Bush over everything under the sun, I also happen to have a strong dislike for his word choice. Even when he's making a good point, he still chooses words that simply make him lose all credibility.
Ie: "Evildoers", "evil ones", "axis of evil", etc. Most anything with connotations of "evil." It's always directed at terrorists, and I find that wrong...and more troubling, extremely counterproductive.
Saying that any person is inherently evil is ignoring the entire issue of psychology. They are people from circumstance, and that cannot be ignored when making judgements. Sure, in terms of my standards, killing people IS wrong. But would I feel the same way if I'd been (male) living there instead? I don't really know. And anybody who says that they KNOW they would NEVER be terrorists is simply ignorant (and extremely cocky).
In the mindset of these people they are not "battling freedom." That is hogwash. They wouldn't care what the fuck we did if we'd simply leave them alone. I mean, seriously, anybody who has thought ANY aspect of that argument through would find it riddled with fallacy. Why would a small sect of Islamic fundamentalists on the other side of the world care if the girls here wear miny skirts and we're allowed to vote(kinda)? Yes, it's against their religion, but do they really give a flying fuck if a bunch of no-good Americans go to hell? No! They're probably glad we're all such sinners!
Also in their mindset the killings of innocent people is not a huge deal. It's believed that if these people are truly innocent then when they go to heaven Allah will ask them to forgive the 'terrorist', and they'll learn that it was really for a good cause. Because...duh...the terrorists believe that there cause IS good.
Sometimes I just want to slap everyone in the country and yell "WHY DON'T YOU GET IT?!" but then I'd probably not have many friends.
So, I guess the point I'm trying to make is...people should not feel "better" than them simply because we were fortunate to be born into different conditions. All people are capable of evil things, it just depends on if we're in the situation where we're influenced to pursue them.
Having a foreign policy that labels us the "good guys" and them the "bad guys" without examining motives is a terrible waste of time. We'll never accomplish anything until we can get off our high horse and just deal with these people like PEOPLE, instead of evil shit-heads.
And that is why I should be president.
And I know, the similarity between the drawing and my photos IS stunning.
I went out last night after working all day and being tired and drank too much beer and swigged too much Bacardi Razz. Now I'm all shakey and exhausted and almost freaked out making my latte because I spilled my first glass and had to remake it. It was such a bummer to have to do the same menial chore twice when really all I wanted to do was pass out and float away. If my dad hadn't been sitting at the table I might have just totally lost it and started crying - not because it's that big of a deal, but just because it FEELS like a HUGE frustration this early. It's 7:30...I mean, cut me some slack.
I feel like I'm going to pass out. I have to go to work for 8 hours. Weee!!
Here's a picture of me looking creepy and pale and misshapen in the work breakroom yesterday when I was so bored I wanted to shoot myself! But hey, honestly, the less I have to do the better. You can't really complain too heavily about work induced boredom.
"I got addicted. News, particularly daily news, is more addictive than crack cocaine, more addictive than heroin, more addictive than cigarettes.
