sorry for the lack of return blogging.





current sensory overload...

i can't beleive i manage to get back to subway so often.

there is a big anti-war march thing with all these black girls in purple shirts down on oxford circle.
ashley and i have to catch the tube....like now....but we're here instead.
ahhhh! abbey road was neat. i hope that kristin manages to call dc before we leave so they can make out! ;)

so late!

ya brian, answer your phone!

hey guys. drunken london post time. glasses of wine at an indian cafe will do this to you...silly brian, you just didn't know where to drink!! the keyboards are different here, so it took me like five minutes to enter my password. it's cold here. donald is disappointed because kristin is flying in wednesday, and that's the very day we leave! bloody hell! our tour guide, rob, had a thorough laugh at donalds expense because of his faulty british accent. but robs american accent was certaibly no better! hmm, london is pretty. i needn't say what we've seen today, because my photo post when i return will be sufficient. but we're gonna go to a pub soon...and get drunker most certainly. fuck dude, i was like stumbling. i only had three glasses of wine! certainly they were full glasses on an empty stomach but still! my lord, st patricks day tomorrow and i'm drunk off such a petty amount. i am an embarassment to the irish community currently residing in this lovely city. anyway, it's nine o'clock here, which is seven hours fast. dude, it's like two in the afternoon. that's fuckin' crazy. the internet is expensive. i put in twenty pence and i only got nine minutes! but i spent twelve pounds on wine already, so who am i to complain. anyways, messages...

trevor, you should be here it's fuckin' awesome.
brian, i miss you. you are hot. mwa.
london, i am with you now, but not for much longer.
wine, you have gotten me thoroughly tipsy and thankyou for that.
all my blorgy holmes, i miss reading about you and i hope everybody is doing lovely!
brian, i miss you most. my phone doesn't work and i am thoroughly confused by my lack of text messages and im convos. it's weird, but london is treatin me okay.

i love businyess in london.
drunnnnnnkkkkkk.
love you all@!
LOVE!

ashley and i are at an internet cafe in downtown london that is above a subway...

it is ten o'clock pm here...which means it's 2:00 back home!

london is amazing.

i only have 10 minutes, this cost me 40 pence.

i still don't understand british money.
love and miss you guys!

bye everybody!

for my humanities class i am supposed to rewrite this essay we did...

i was like, "hmm, i hardly remember this! when did i do it?"
12.16.02

what the fuck? it's about medea. i didn't read that book then, and barely could write the essay off of class discussion. now i'm supposed to edit and rewrite the essay off of a lack of book-reading and class discussion that has long since been filtered out of my brain and replaced with much more important information...*i was going to put something funny that replaced it here, but i couldn't think of anything. so maybe it's just been filtered out and those brain cells have been brutally murdered by vodka. beats me.* now i keep picturing a little cell with arms and legs wearing armor and swordfighting with a mini-schmirnoff bottle...oh it's too funny.

i have to have copies of my passport made for london. i got my passport on february 22, 1999. let's just say that nobody is seeing that picture..bangs were in full throttle back in those days.

i want to be in bed by eleven. i want to be in bed by eleven. i want to be in bed by eleven...

ahaha. i was just looking back through my folders of school work to find this god awful essay, and like half of my documents are titled "i hate ______", "stupid assignment", "________ sucks"... oh i'm such a good student. my favorite is "san francisco can suck it." my creativity is overwhelming..

god, i am so good at bullshitting. at one point in this essay i actually make up a word.

yes, i got a 75% on this.
yes, i am okay with that.
i am enlightened.

i think in my weird transitional state between high school/college, parents house/condo, i've lost the "home" base. when i'm in my house all i do is either sit at the computer, or think of errands i could run, places i could drive, walks i could take. it's like a search for somewhere else to be or something better to do. but i can't imagine thinking of the condo as my home either. it's the condo.

"tailgates, long talks
and your superficial friends.
shiny, silver fords
that lead us to dead ends.
and i said do you lick these salty wounds
that you, yourself condone.
i sit, wait, and i'm all alone.
but i can't go home,
cause you're my home."
-something corporate

my night is weird and off and i don't know what i think about it. the last few days have been weird and off. or maybe this current mode is the new on, and i've actually been really on the last few days, but as it is different it feels off. or maybe i'm just looking to much into whether one can actually be "on" or "off". whatever it is, i'm not who i was a month ago. and i'm thinking i like that. maybe all my claims to alyx about how much i hate feelings have been wrong, and i've just been too much of a pussy to admit i actually missed them. because as much fun as randomness can be, it only suffices for certain extents. i'm so fuckin' vague. but i'm keeping going. because i started this post almost an hour ago and i'm not letting it go now. but the last while i've just been anti-social. i don't know what to say. i have so much boggling around in my brain and none of it comes out how i want it to. all i know for sure is that i've been listening to way too much something corporate lately. i don't know if they have anything to do with anything.

and just so everybody knows, it's 11:26.

i have been trying to post for quite sometime now. but i keep getting distracted. damn you webcam, damn you!

i have my passport. i have my flight information. i have my charged digital camera. london, baby, here i come. we leave friday morning and get back wednesday...i am wondering if the piercing ages are different in london, cause that would be hella tight to return home with a tounge ring.. mother would scream. well mother will inevitably scream, but all that is up for debate is whether she will scream on my arrival home from london, or my 18th birthday.

i have decided to boycott sleep. it always feels like such a waste of time. i mean, think of all the other things you could be doing. (like sitting at the computer surrounded by empty diet coke cans typing away to a relatively small audience of people you a. have never met, or b. see on a regular basis and most likely already know of your a. drunken shenanigans, b. latest boy wanted, or c. need to move out.) but that's besides the point. my point is...wait...what was my point? ah yes, sleep is for the weak and that is why i am made of steel. except on sundays, then i am made of sponge.

yep, sponge.

the height of ew.

in helping brian (future roomate, not to be confused with brian, my bitch and los angeles' greatest unknown asset to pimping) get comments and set up his blog, i've come face to face with my true nerdyness. therefore...

news update:
me: i've decide on my major!
trevor: que?
alecia: business, with a minor in computer science. i'm gonna make so much fucking money.
trevor: Gangsta.

news update: (#2)
this will all most likely change in the next hour, if not five minutes. ...so you know...

hmm. my mom informed me that they have different power outlets in london. that, officially, blew my mind. no joke. i honestly, completely, do not understand. even a little. *head explodes*

taking out my cartilage ring is one of the highlights of my day. others include: being warm. first sip of coffee. phone beeping text messages. driving from my house to school with the windows down (weather permitting). having the song that played on this drive be the background music for the rest of the day, which is the norm. smuggly waving goodbye to the parking lot nazi everyday at noon.

posting in you, dear blog.

it'd be better if this stuff were the in, and not the over.

i smell funny. i'm only wearing half a swimsuit. i miss brian. i am drinking diet coke. i crave carbs the morning after drunk. i layed in the sun this afternoon. i like the hot weather. i want it to be summer so i can move out. i am shockingly un-hungover. i left stupid messages on peoples machines. i had self control on others, though. i am going to london in 5 days. i am going to miss my computer. i am a loser. i have read the books "white oleander", "naked", "cruddy", and "even cowgirls get the blues" in the past week. i am proud of that. i like reading. i wish i gave off a more intelligent front. i got a 1380 on the sats. i wanted to get a 1480. i am very conscious of whether people think i am dumb. i love alyx...

alyx: i love you SO MUCH
me: i owe you like eight thousand orgasms

i passed out last night like no otha. i woke up and heard a door slam and went "ah!" because i thought i was in my house, and i thought somebody was breaking in, and i freaked out, but i wasn't in my house i was at joes and the door slamming was adam whos bed i slept in last night. breath. adam says i am well behaved and don't kick, but i do prefer the

*i just realized trevor is coming over so i put on clothes. i am now wearing a shirt that says "take me to the west coast" and black pj pants. but please, take me there..*

center of the bed. and i drool. a little. note: i shared his bed in the sense that i passed out there and he had no place else to sleep, so he slept next to me. i had no idea what was going on when i woke up.

trevor sees me looking like shit more than any other person. and trust me, right now, shit is what i resemble.

if i made a list of people that confuse me, it would be everybody i have ever met. i don't understand people.

this morning when we'd layed around and groaned for awhile..joe adam taylor chuck and i were crazy. adam went to the pool across the street behind a building from their apartment, and had a walkie talkie. we launched water balloons from their balcony into the pool area. adam gave us tips over the walkie talkie like "20 feet to your left", and "a little further", and "you almost hit the big ass bikini girl". it was funny. big ass bikini girl was not amused, though.

i have to wash my face...much better.

i just recently started reading ultrablognetic. i am a fan. if hosemonster told me to jump off a cliff, i just might. tony recommends good books for me to read. trevor just walked in, he's, like, my brother. i miss kenzie.. i feel bad i've been neglecting our friendship. chucka never writes, but if he did you'd learn he's one clever motherfucker. i love so excited anti is funny.

i am done.

fuck school, fuck it up it's stupid ass.

so i'm leaving home to go to my second hour.. (as i do not attend first hour), and i arrive perfectly on time onlky to discover it's an assembly schedule, so first hour was short, which made second hour start earlier, which made me late. so late, in fact, that i could not sign into sweep (our retarded "go to the cafeteria and sit if you're late but it doesn't count as an absence" program). and my parents are unreachable, as my moms cell is off and my dad is on a plane, so a pass was not an option. hence i am now getting an absence. in protest, i am not attending the rest of the day. fuckin' squares. :-P

i could go back to bed, but they have me all angry and awake. i suppose i'll go read and hopefully sleep. passive resistance, i say.

(note: parking lot nazi was nowhere to be found. i'd have fucked his shit up real bad.)

so my friend, who is very much catholic, started dating this guy. we shall call him frank. prior to their dating, frank was an atheist. and then the dating began, and my friend took to dragging him to her church every sunday. he now goes every week. but his best friend (brian) who also is a busser at the 'ol fondue pot and i were talking, and decided that he was simply faking. and then yesterday arrived.

(keep in mind they've been dating seriously like two months, at most.)

and he comes to school with one of those black dots on his forehead. first, what the heck? second, most christians don't even do that, much less atheists pretending to be catholics. brian and i discussed this after humanities yesterday, and the girl was right there. brian informed her of franks religious beliefs prior to her, and she said, "well, maybe he just saw the light."

and that's when i started to laugh.
and seconds later was when i stopped, because i realized she was serious.

moments after brian had left, the girl began to bitch about him. she said, "i doubt he even knew it was ash wednesday."

and i said, "i wouldn't have either, if there hadn't been so many dots-heads around campus."

and i wonder why my friends ignore me in religious discussions...


(i also wonder if jesus gets tired of talking about his time on earth. people flock to him and ask about being crucified and punished, and he's just like.. "god (haha), i wish people would just stop bring that up. it was like 2000 years ago, get over it!" i mean it's probably not the most fond memory of his. i bet he'd rather talk about all the sinners he gets to punish or that massive birthday party he threw a few years back. honestly.)

i think i�ve realized a couple more things. damn i seem to realize things a lot. maybe this realization will stick around to actually merit something.

fuck, i just realized i keep having the same realization but it�s just that another person sparks it.

anyways.

there is a big difference between being lonely and being alone. i am most certainly alone a lot, but i only think i�m lonely on occasion. and i think everyone is lonely on sometimes, so that�s nothing to be concerned with. quite honestly i�m okay with all of this. the more time i spend alone the more i enjoy it. it�s just that sometimes all you really want is someone to see a movie with or go for a walk with. and you can rest your head on their shoulder and not think about anything else. my mind hasn�t felt blank forever.

and even with the glaring fact that things have always been this way, i still don�t like falling asleep by myself.

being pessimistic has it�s advantages. i�m learning to expect less from people, so as to not be disappointed. i have a tendency to build things/people/potentials up in my head to be huge, and when they don�t play out how i want them to then i give up. people will inevitably let you down, but if you know that beforehand then it doesn�t get in the way. you can claim to never have expected anything in the first place. or i suppose you can be pleasantly surprised. but how often does that happen.

tony is telling me to read cruddy. so i am going to soon. i actually did manage to find another book though, it�s called �naked�. it�s fun. but i only have like 50 pages left, so i�ll need a new book tomorrow. cruddy it is.

tonight at work (cute)cameron came up to me and asked what i was reading. i said �naked� and looked him up and down. he smiled and laughed. he has a good smile..but i think he wants to have a tortured poet/musician/philosopher image, so he rarely shows it. he just writes music, serves fondue, and reads nizche. and smiles when girls look him up and down, naturally. i wish he�d smile more. but i think i wish everyone would smile more. especially me. i certainly have enough to smile about.

i finished white oleander last night...now i am trying to read another book. but i can't find one i like as much. so i am sad. :(

"I never let anyone touch me. I wondered where he was now, whether I would ever hear from him again. Whether someone would love him someday, show him what beauty meant."

i suppose i can still look forward to the movie...is that blockbuster calling my name?

my mom left today for salt lake city for my grandpa's 80th birthday...
and no. we're not mormon. you see it all dates back to the sixties when my dad was what i now like to refer to as a "rebel-mormon". but that's another story altogether...

anyways anyways.

my dad leaves for work everyday at about 7, and i'm supposed to be at school technically at 8:15. but come on. do you really think i'm there? and i don't plan on arriving to school until 9:08 everday this week, when second hour starts, as my first hour teacher doesn't take attendance. usually my mom forces me out sometime around 8:30, but now i get to stay all the way till nine, and not make up stupid excuses to the parking nazi of why i'm always arriving halfway through first hour. bastard.

my dad and brother leave on friday to go skiing, and the whole family comes back sunday. and i'm left here all by myself. aww...poor alecia. has the whole house to herself for a whole weekend, not to mention a whole house practically to herself for an entire week. poor poor girl...how will she ever make it? yah you know what i'm saying. she'll make it real drunk! that's what she'll make it...heh heh heh.

unfortunately i'm not letting anyone step foot in my house the whole week. considering the new counters, dining set, carpets, television, couches, chairs, and the massive threat hanging over my head that if anything gets ruined than i am dead. so my stupor will have to be at somebody elses home, but at least now i don't have to worry about calling my parents in the middle of the night piss-drunk to tell them i'm too enthralled in a board game to return home. i'm such a terrible liar when intoxicated.

weekends like this almost make me wish i had stricter parents, so when they're not around i could actually do something rebellious. but in actuality i don't really think there's anything i could do without them hear that i couldn't do with them here. cept maybe blare music they despice and walk around half-naked. which i am fully taking advantage of, i'll have you know. rockin' out. (what's funny is i'm currently blasting dashboard confessional...it's funny...in a kinda sad way.) but that wish disappears as quickly as it came, because being friends with your parents is better than being rebellious, and i think i get my dosage of rebellion from my parkinig-lot nazi encounters anyways.

sigh. sigh sigh sigh.

i got a webcam! it's funny. it's such a good boredom-eraser. so if anybody else has webcams and are terribly bored, im me. especially if you like to doodle. :-)

turns out i'm going to london in 10 days. any london bloggers wanna party down? hehe

fuck, i actually do have to go to school.

long time, no post.

friday night, trevor and i decided to get stoned.

so i called my brother, naturally. ;-) we had intended to go see the lion king at imax theatres, but we were unfortunately too late. so we did the next best thing. hung out with the asian kid. also known as andrew. our night involved smoking, eating candy, going with andrew to the "best hong kong dining" (note: in their sign, the only letter illuminated were the first six. so it read "best ho". i am serious folks. it was almost as good as when the "L" burned out of six flags. hehehe), driving past the movie theatre offering young girls candy.....yes...i am still serious. example convo:

andrew: "hey...you girls want some candy?" *gestures at bag of gummie bears*
girls: "umm..." *scared*
andrew: "well if you don't like this kind i have some more back at my apartment.."
girls: *walk away*

trevor and i then drove around, went back to my house and ate more food. we also discussed dante's inferno and laughed about which circle of hell we were going to for about an hour. we decided the worst one would be where the murderers go, they get boiled in blood! no fun, no fun at all.


friday was amazing because it was the first weekend night in forever that i hadn't had to work. i had to take full advantage of it. and i feel that i did. so good. but now onto saturday...

another drunken party. numerous phoenix bloggers were there, including dc, trevor, donovan, dana, and guillermo. and we also were in the company of a certain ex-phoenix la blogger, brian. i was excited to see him, since it had been like two months. far too long.

maybe i was nervous?


so i talked with some cool kids. got to meet dana's boyfriend. and by the way, they are disgustingly adorable together, as you can probably see from that picture. but i'm just jealous. work it, dana.

(the funny thing about all these pictures is i don't know who took most of them. when i woke up, mai (that's whose house it was) wanted to see my pictures, and i was like "oh, there's only like three." but no. there were actually more like twenty. although i was pretty drunk...i guess four beers, two shots, and a buttload of champagne will do that to you.)

i like champagne. not just the champagne..but...



yeah. :)

good times. and sorry about the hickey. well not really, but you know. fake apologies.

sunday i actually managed to get off the couch at about 11:30, after only 5 hours of sleep. the rest of my day consisted of looking at art with my mom, laughing at and discussing porn with chuck and trevor, and pretending to be alive until i completely crashed at 7:00. yep, twelve hours of sleep. can you deal with that!?

oh yeah. today i received two cd's from tony pierce. thanks thanks thanks! i'm listening to one of them right now, and enjoying it very much. so thanks again.

outsmarted the parking lot nazi again today...

after third hour today, four friends and i fell under a severe case of "senioritis". so much so, that, even though our next class was to be spent watching a movie we could sleep through, we had to leave. we had to get out. no, you don't understand. had to.

and so we poked our heads around in search of our only obstacle, the parking lot nazi. we saw him positioned in a different spot than normal, across the lot, near the entrance, but on the sidewalk. it was decided lindsay and i would make the dash to my car while the others met us on a sidestreet around back, where there is no evil guard to interrupt our plans. and so lindsay and i took off discreetly speed-walking across the lot. we didn't dare look at the evil man, for fear of looking suspicious. we lept into my car and i recalled my off-campus-pass i'd received yesterday. glorious. and so, lindsay reclined her seat and i drove past him, waving my little piece of paper and smiling in my oh-so-charming way. he just waved. once free, we picked up the others and made our way to starbucks. yum. it was then decided we needed to get lunch. two of the girls had lunches in their lockers, and so we ventured back to the school to get them. while driving ridiculously slow (as in 2 mph) near the entrance looking to see if the coast was clear, i looked up to see a van wanting to turn in, but i was blocking the entrance. a white van. a school van. lindsay screamed and i floored it away, as the driver of this particular van happened to be the principle...it wouldn't have been a big deal if one girl hadn't been in a mountain pointe cheer uniform and another the daughter of the principles helper. but owell. once we were finished screaming we managed to get the lunches and make our way to 5 & diner, where i received word that brian had safely arrived in 'ol phoenix.

word, and good day.

people talk too much. like disgusting, unnecessary amounts. lately i�ve been noticing it more and more. today it kind of came to a climax of sorts, however. i consciously chose to not answer like eight phone calls, a few face-to-face questions, and a plethera of im�s. i knew they didn�t have anything important to say. it�s funny how people get mad when you prevent a conversation, though. a lot of the time i think people just feel uncomfortable and therefore start saying unimportant shit just to fill the air. i don�t mind silence though. i like when you can sit comfortably with someone and not have to say anything. it�s refreshing.

it pisses me off that there are doors shut to me. even stupid non-existant doors. like i�ll never be able to live the past again. or be black. or make different choices, fast forward and see the consequences, and do that repeatedly till i have the desired results. nope, that�s just too much to ask. that is, unless i travel back in time (which we have already discussed isn�t an option) and follow jimmy stewart around at christmas time. and steal all his bells.

i came to like thirty important realizations tonight. i�d make a list if i was actually able to name names comfortably, but i can�t. so you�ll just have to trust me on the fact that i feel a whole lot better, about everything.

my friend and future-roomate brian got a blog today. when i know the name, i'll tell you. soon.

i am reading the book white oleander. sooo good. in fact, instead of staying up talking on im all night i�m going to go read my book all night. my brain could use the exercise.

i sense a pattern growing. here is the formula. brian+alecia+yahoo!messenger=really bad doodle drawings. or really good, i guess, depending on your art interpretation style. think we should cut our ears off and move to the south of france? change our names to vincent? *wink wink*



alecia(10:18:45 PM): you do coke......i'll do diet coke note: i have had 8 diet cokes today. EIGHT.

brian arrives in less than two days.

(right now he is watching his webcam and trying to circle the laundry basket that is behind him. some sort of "i wish i were a weatherman" issue, don't you think?)
brian: damn i could never be a weather person
brian: trying to circle my laundry basket
brian: the cam image I am looking at is backwards


hehe. <----.....brian makes me laugh. damn him. he's being a crackhead tonight. it's all good, though. i think i'm more excited than i think i should be for him to visit. i don't know if that makes any sense...but. me stop talking now.

i don't work friday. that pretty much just means i'll be drunk earlier and won't smell like cheese. sounds pretty damn sweet to me! i have been trying to write this post for like 30 minutes. i keep changing parts of it. this part is actually like the last part i've written. i think i'm trying to make up for something but i'm kind of giving up. or something. dc called me a good writer. that was one of the best compliments ever, for some reason. but i certainly don't feel like one now. i feel like the stupid kid who has the speech impediment, and then someone pats him on the back and says, "well, you sure can pronounce your m's well!" and he's like "dude, i can pronounce m's yahhhh!" but then he realizes everybody can prononuce m's. along with a slew of other letters. i don't know what the fuck i mean. can you tell?


this is one of the "i don't want to go to school in the morning so i'll just stay in the bathroom pretending to get ready but really just take pictures of myself being weird." but right now it looks like a "sigh" picture.

i say sigh a lot on my blog. i am crazy. for the record this time. truly crazy.

eight songs that get stuck in your head frequently:
1. "first single� � the format
2. "the taste of ink� � the used
3. "say it ain�t so� - weezer
4. "beautiful� � christina aguillera
5. "like i love you� � justin timberlake
6. "a praise chorus� � jimmy eat world
7. "cute without the e� � taking back sunday
8. "head on collision� � new found glory

four beverages you drink frequently:
1. water
2. diet coke
3. diet dr pepper
4. milk

five tv shows you liked when you were a little kid:
1. hey dude
2. my little pony
3. teenage mutant ninja turtles
4. andy griffith
5. simpsons

four places to go in your area:
1. the condo
2. joes house
3. mill avenue
4. chandler mall

[four things to do when you're bored]
1. the internet, always
2. watch movies
3. go to the gym
4. sleep

four things that never fail to cheer you up: (only four?! eep)
1. cute boys
2. shopping
3. getting paid
4. hugs & parties

four things you can't live without:
1. friends and family
2. my down comforter
3. water, mmm
4. the internet

[about ten years ago *list three things*]
1. we�d just moved into our current house
2. donovan & i had stuffed animal woodstocks�teehee
3. lived for horsies!
[about two years ago *list three things*]
1. i�d started dating matt
2. i enjoyed theatre
3. i had just gotten my permit
[about one year ago *list three things*]
1. i hung out with alyx like everyday 
2. i only drank like once a month if that
3. i was pretty lame and unhappy about lots of things
[today...]
1. i only had school for like an hour and a half
2. cheated on my humanities test, and hence hopefully passed
3. has just begun, so..

[seven things you love]
1. nessy
2. my family/friends (duh )
3. blogs
4. 2003!
5. my job
6. parties
7. rain

[seven things you hate]
1. people who don�t tip well
2. vanilla coke
3. station wagons
4. mohawks
5. people with enormous children (thanks dr. phil)
6. auto-capitalization on word
7. stupid boy crap

seven things on your desk:
1. my stolen melting pot candle
2. stack of cosmo magazines
3. an empty picture frame
4. old mail
5. fish i always forget to feed
6. jewelry box
7. alarm clock

seven facts about you:
1. i am 5�7�
2. have long hair
3. graduate in less than three months
4. am always cold
5. i can�t drive well, but i always do anyways
6. strawberries and bread are my favorite foods
7. i like black&white photography

seven artists/bands people should give a listen to:
1. the format
2. the used
3. the beatles
4. new found glory
5. justin timberlake (hehe)
6. jimmy eat world
7. less than jake

nine things you like about the opposite sex:
1. spikey hair
2. dark eyes
3. hugs from behind
4. kisses on your forehead
5. when they try to dance
6. thinking stupid things are funny
7. when they wake up and their hair is all standing up crazy
8. when they try and be suave but it doesn�t work
9. funny/mean �boy� jokes

four things you would eat on the last day of your life:
1. strawberries dipped in chocolate
2. olive garden soup and breadsticks
3. wendy�s salad
4. pazooki from oreganos

four cds from your collection that you will never get tired of:
1. the format - ep
2. jimmy eat world - bleed america
3. less than jake - hello rockview
4. weezer - blue album

four vacations you have taken:
1. san diego
2. new york
3. denver
4. chicago

four things you'd like to learn:
1. to roll a joint
2. speak italian
3. fix my car when its hurt
4. better html

i had a little bit of a freakout on saturday�i didn�t write about it earlier because i was still trying to remember everything through the haze, and i was still trying to decide whether it was a genuine freakout or just a minor �i�m drunk� freak out.

but, anyways. i guess i decided that it was pretty genuine. i mean, i�m writing about it aren�t i?

i remember i was sitting there listening to a couple people talk, and it was the kind of conversation where you really have to concentrate because they�re speaking only in drunken-mumbles. so i�m intently listening and they start talking about how fucked-up they are. like bad past experiences and the way that makes them behave now and yadda-yadda. and the girl goes into how she can�t get close to people and she pushes people away so they can�t hurt her and how she can�t change it and so on and so on�and i guess it scared me. because i realized how much i don�t want to be that person. i really really don�t want to be that girl that jumps from boy to boy out of fear that she might actually like one of them.

i mean, i�m not like that now�completely. but i could be. it wouldn�t take much.

i�m already pretty paranoid�i still overanalyze every word spoken and every single aspect of interactions, making sure i don�t come off as desperate, make sure i don�t make the first approach, make sure to only give a little but still take a lot. i would still rather drunkenly make out with someone then go on an actual date�drunken makeouts can be excused�but going on dates is pretty much an invitation for let-down.

when you randomly make out with someone neither party owes the other anything.

but if you go on a date with someone�now you�re setting yourself up. you go out and maybe you�re not who they thought you were, or they�re not who you thought they were. when you hook up with someone for a night, it doesn�t matter if they have commitment issues or they�re cocky ass-holes or they drink too much and their sister only has one eye. it only matters that they�re drunk and you�re drunk and you both like making out. it�s simple, and then it�s over.

i guess theres still some hope, though. i mean�i opened up to robert for what, like a week? just because immediately following that week i pulled a 160 and stopped talking to him doesn�t mean too much. i�d like to say it�s because i came to recognize all his faults, but i recognized them before. so i don�t know what it was. prospects of relationships make me nervous.

in a few months i�m moving out, going to california like three times, living with two of my best friends�i guess i can�t decide if a boyfriend is even worth trying for right now. everything is going to be different. it would take a pretty special person to be able to deal with that. and i know that a pretty special person would just end up getting fucked over by me cause i know i�ll do stupid crap this coming summer�and i really don�t want to hurt people. even though i�ve done it and i do it.

so what i�ve really decided is nothing. i guess in the end there are a couple people right now that i�d really like to know better. but they�re also people that i could never ever stand to hurt. so i should stop pushing for anything, because i know in the end i�ll just be pissed off at myself.

alecia logic sucks.

who's that sexy lady on brians phone?
hmm, i guess some stuff has been happening lately. but i don't know if 'some stuff' merits a post. but brian was nagging, so...

saturday i had to work, but a certain stalker-waiter was not present as it was his TWENTY-FOURTH birthday. i mean, honestly. no twenty-four year old should be obsessed with a seventeen year old. like, maybe, but obsessed? that just makes me want to pat him on the head and go "awwww". and we all know how much guys enjoy that! at work friday he called me "silly". i really think he might be gay. i forget if a lisp was involved...further inspection deemed necessary.

saturday night i got thoroughly drunk at joe's house though, so all was well. it was an amusing night, involving a half-clothed girl with alcohol poisoning, getting stopped by a cop while taking a drunken-stupor walk, showing two guys my boobs (one of which has a blog, the other which has a band (hehe), not sleeping till five in the morning, and laying around joe's house until five the next evening. yes...sunday was definetely a lazy day and i lack an excuse for not posting. except i guarantee a post yesterday would have consisted of "oh my head hurts and why the fuck do i smell so bad?" that might be due to the fact that i woke up with my head in a guys armpit, but whatever. (note to self: don't do that again.)

eww.

trevor came over last night and we watched the movie 'go.' it was good times, and he got me crackers and water and it was very appreciated. he ate protein bars and i almost puked. again. dammit.

today i awoke expecting to feel refreshed and instead still felt hungover. i have felt hungover all freakin day. it's because i'm starting to get a cold, but it feels like a two day hangover, and let me tell you what- it's no fun. but i have to recover by friday in order to party for two days straight with brain when he graces dear phoenix with his presence. :)

i layed in bed after school and watched the movie 'blow'. i was feeling icky and that movie was sad...so that resulted in me crying and crying over this guy. i don't know why, but blow sure made me emotional. blow. ha. blow sure was good this afternoon...i sure liked blow. damn, i could definetely go for some more blow. oh lord i am amused.

i tried to not drink caffeine this morning which resulted in me sleeping for two class hours straight. and i don't mean like dozing off for fifteen minutes. i mean like totally-out-kick-me-when-the-bell-rings sleep. which somebody actually had to do when economics ended. this lack of my sweet sweet coffee also caused a pounding headache. i eventually gave in and drank two sodas around 4. i was cured immediately. that's so sad.